Forgiveness & Letting Go
For many years, I believed my ability to forgive was directly related to being able to understand why something happened, excusing or forgetting the event away, and receiving an explanation and apology. Not only did I need the apology, I wanted them to actually be sorry. To my own detriment, I did not understand this was not always possible. When my requirements for forgiveness didn’t come to fruition, I found myself forcing “letting go” in an inauthentic way, which presented as me lying to myself and telling myself I didn’t care (insert alcohol here). In the end, I held onto resentment, anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness, and a myriad of other feelings that impacted me in my daily life without consciously knowing it. I was giving my power to another person or situation and not taking accountability for my role in this process.
I had my “aha” moment almost two years ago when I was asked how I defined forgiveness. I couldn’t articulate a definition because at the time I had never consciously thought about it. I was, however, able to say that I wanted to let go. I wanted to release all the feelings I was holding on to and just be ok with things, people, or experiences as they were. I was then asked… “why don’t you?” My answer was easy… Because I didn’t know that was an option!
I am here to offer that forgiveness and letting go is not only an option, it is completely possible for you too. I have come to believe that everything that happens in life is an opportunity to learn and grow. The good, the bad, and everything in between carry lessons that we are meant to learn in order to allow us to consciously decide what to do next. Forgiveness and letting go is an act for you and does not require anyone else to do anything!
I want to tell you how amazing it is that you are reading this post. The first step to taking the leap to forgiveness is being able to recognize that forgiveness and letting go is a choice. With commitment to this practice, you can live a more fulfilling life.
Take this opportunity to acknowledge your thoughts and emotions about the event or person you are working to forgive. Consider how your emotions impact your actions (behavior), and spend time in your feelings before you do anything else. This is the hardest step for most people. For those of us who live in the “logical” side of our brain, we often expect that we can jump from recognizing to letting go without doing the work in between. I urge you to sit with this step with love and compassion toward yourself. Once you are able to feel the emotions without immediately moving on, imagine what your life would be like if you were able to release the emotions you have attached to that event or person. Just imagine what that would be like. How would that feel? Who would you be?
The next step is making the choice to forgive and let go. This doesn’t mean you are compromising your values or integrity. It is choosing to own your power and understanding what letting go would mean for you.
Let it go. Give yourself permission to release the hold that the event or person has had on your life (with or without your knowledge). Remove the attachment to the thoughts and emotion about the event or person you wish to forgive. How does that sit with you?
Repeat as necessary or as often as needed. Sometimes we move through the steps too quickly. Sometimes we backtrack because our brains are tricky and want to do what is most comfortable for us. That’s ok. Repeat the steps. Jump to the step that needs more attention. Start over. Be compassionate with yourself and remember there is no wrong way to forgive and let go!
“To let go does not mean to get rid of. To let go means to let be. When we let be with compassion, things come and go on their own.” Jack Kornfield
To recap:
Recognize that forgiveness and letting go is both a valuable practice and possible for you.
Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings related to the event or person that you wish to forgive.
Choose to practice forgiveness.
Let go of your attachment to the feelings related to the event or person.
Repeat when necessary.
Are you holding on to feelings of resentment and anger? Do you want to learn how to take these steps and apply them to your specific scenario? I can help you with compassion, empathy, and love. Sounds woo-woo? It’s not, I promise.
